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Lump It or Leave It
Par Florence King. 1990
Lump It or Leave It, Florence King's latest volume of rapier-edged contemplations on American tomfoolery--er, values--takes on everything from the…
hazards of fame to the joys of menopause, with all of the bile and brio that has made her the nation's most beloved misanthrope. From college professors ("incapable of earning a living with either their minds or their hands") to the South ("if at first you don't secede, try, try, again") to the U.S. government ("the crude leading the crud"), few fools remain unskewered by the reigning Queen of Spleen.O. J. in the Morning, G&T at Night: Spirited Dispatches on Aging with Joie de Vivre
Par A. E. Hotchner. 2013
"Acclaimed author and feisty nonagenarian Hotchner's witty ruminations about the art of living well into old age...with brio and a…
touch of his trademark sass, Hotchner writes about rediscovering love after 75, finding joy in a scrappy African gray parrot he named after his longtime friend, Ernest Hemingway, and going on his very first safari at age 88." - Kirkus ReviewsWhen youngsters in their seventies and eighties, nervously lurching toward the horizon of ninety, ask me, "What's the secret?" That's what I tell them: "O.J. in the morning, gin and tonic at night."You don't have to be in your seventies or eighties to enjoy A. E. Hotchner's elixir for aging happily, but after reading this charming collection of essays, you may wish you were. Nonagenarian, novelist, playwright, and biographer, Hotchner gives us heartfelt and laugh-out-loud anecdotes that describe his unique reflections on the aging process. His musings cover everything from the outlandish commercials that target the older generation (Viagra, Cialis, and Flomax) to suggestions on adapting the tennis game for seniors (he suggests lowering the net by two inches and moving all outer lines two feet inward) to the advantages of having a pet (his pet parrot often tells guests to "kiss my ass").He can equally capture the headier side of aging, which is bittersweetly revealed in his piece about divorce. With his disarming, eloquent voice and dry sense of humor, Hotch illuminates life's wisdoms through his optimistic, witty, and romantic outlook, all the while making you feel, well, not unhappy about growing older.O.J. in the Morning, G&T at Night is a book of courageous advice, humorous wisdom, and, above all, good strategies for how to stay young at heart.Postmodern Pooh
Par Frederick Crews. 2001
A sequel of sorts to the classic (and bestselling) sendup of literary criticism, The Pooh PerplexThirty-seven years ago, a slim…
parody of academic literary criticism called The Pooh Perplex became a surprise bestseller. Now Frederick Crews has written a hilarious new satire in the same vein. Purporting to be the proceedings of a forum on Pooh convened at the Modern Language Association's annual convention, Postmodern Pooh brilliantly parodies the academic fads and figures that hold sway at the millennium.Deconstruction, poststructuralist Marxism, new historicism, radical feminism, cultural studies, recovered-memory theory, and postcolonialism, among other methods, take their shots at the poor teddy bear and Crews takes his shots at them. The fun lies in seeing just how much adulteration Pooh can stand.Have some fun with your native tongue!In The Cunning Linguist, renowned language expert Richard Lederer shows us the naughtier side…
of wordplay, revealing hundreds of hilarious, ingenious, unabashed, and adults-only puns, jokes, limericks, one-liners, and other adventures in sexual humor. This book of "good, clean dirty fun" will delight word hounds, punsters, bachelor-party goers, and anyone who likes a clever grown-up joke.Here's a taste of The Cunning Linguist:Q: What does a man have in his pants that you can also find on a pool table?A: Pockets.Have you heard about the incompatible couple?He had no income, and she wasn't pattable.The four stages of a couple's sex life:Under 35: Tri-weekly35-45: Try weekly45-55: Try weakly55 and over: Try, try, try.For much more, sneak between the covers of this unique and laugh-out-loud book.The Wit and Wisdom of Downton Abbey (The World of Downton Abbey)
Par Jessica Fellowes. 2015
This wonderful collection of quotes and photographs from the Emmy Award-winning television phenomenon--now a feature film--is a perfect gift for…
Downton Abbey fans."Come war and peace Downton still stands and the Crawleys are still in it."Downton Abbey is loved the world over for its fabulous costumes, beautiful scenery, wonderful characters and intricate plot lines, but what keeps millions of us coming back time after time is the stellar quality of the writing. With each stroke of his pen Julian Fellowes seems to gift us with a cuttingly dry quip from the Dowager Countess, a perfectly timed word of wisdom from Mrs Patmore or a touchingly nostalgic pronouncement from Carson.Here in The Wit and Wisdom of Downton Abbey, Jessica Fellowes has gathered together her favorite quotes from the complete Downton Abbey oeuvre to take each of us back to the most memorable moments from the show and ensure we are armed with the very best ripostes should we ever need to chastise an impertinent lady's maid.How I Got This Way
Par Patrick F. McManus. 1994
Patrick McManus, the bestselling author of such hilarious books as A Fine and Pleasant Misery and Never Sniff a Gift…
Fish, now offers readers solid thoughts on the qualities that define leadership, beginning with the need to be tall, and much more, in this outrageous collection of short pieces that reveals his tortuous trip along the writer's path.Duke Sucks: A Completely Even-Handed, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth
Par Reed Tucker, Andy Bagwell. 2012
In the ranks of NCAA college basketball, Duke University is like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe. It's…
like a nasty virus you catch from a door handle at a public toilet.No team in sports is as uniquely hated as those smug, entitled, floor-slapping, fist-pumping, insufferable Blue Devils. The loathing has almost reached the level of a religion. Christian Laettner is a punk. Amen. The Cameron Crazies are obnoxious. The Plumlees are worthless times three. Coach K is a jerk. Kumbaya. The team is dogged by an intense hatred that no other team can match—and for good reason. Millions of hoops fans and March Madness aficionados around the world are not imagining things. Duke really is evil, and within the pages of Duke Sucks, Reed Tucker and Andy Bagwell show readers exactly why Duke deserves to be so detested. They bruise and batter the Blue Devils with fact after fact, story after story, statistic after statistic. They build an airtight case that could stand up in a court of law. So sit back in your "I Hate Duke" t-shirt, and in true Duke fashion, force someone poorer than you to do your work as you crack open the ultimate guide to Duke suckitude.Super Smutty Sign Language
Par Kristin Henson. 2013
A book of truly obscene and offensive insults, sex terms, and pop culture phrases translated into American Sign Language-from the…
YouTube sensation with more than 2 million views and countingHave you ever been in a noisy bar and wanted to insult or pick up someone? Now you can say:- Douche canoe- Cum dumpster- I lost my virginity, can I have yours?- There's a party in my pants, and you're invited- Do you spit or swallow?- Does the carpet match the curtains?- Gargle my balls- Was that a queef?- You cum-guzzling ass-pirate!- Sperm burper- Let's play leap-frog naked!There are plenty of books and Websites that teach you basic sign language phrases like "Hello," "I love you," and some even cross the line into crass with "fuck you," "asshole," or "bite me," but Super Smutty Sign Language is the only book that delivers truly obscene and offensive insults, sex terms, and pop culture phrases including "Suck a bag of dicks," "Bitch, please!" "You motorboating son of a bitch!" and "Blumpkin". Kristin Henson, creator of the YouTube channel Dirty Signs with Kristin, presents over 200 dirty, vulgar, foul, and disgusting words and phrases guaranteed to make you blush.Life's Little Annoyances: True Tales of People Who Just Can't Take It Anymore
Par Ian Urbina. 2005
What can you do when the world is pushing you over the edge? More than you think.For some of us,…
it's the automated voice that answers the phone when we'd rather talk to a real person. For others, it's the fact that Starbucks insists on calling its smallest-sized coffee "tall." Or perhaps it's those pesky subscription cards that fall out of magazines. Whatever it is, each of us finds some aspect of everyday life to be particularly maddening, and we often long to lash out at these stubborn irritants of modern life. In Life's Little Annoyances, Ian Urbina chronicles the lengths to which some people will go when they have endured their pet peeves long enough and are not going to take it any more. It is a compendium of human inventiveness, by turns juvenile and petty, but in other ways inspired and deeply satisfying. We meet the junk-mail recipient who sends back unwanted "business reply" envelopes weighted down with sheet metal, so the mailers will have to pay the postage. We commiserate with the woman who was fed up with the colleague who kept helping himself to her lunch cookies, so she replaced them with dog biscuits that looked like biscotti. And we revel in the seemingly endless number of tactics people use to vent their anger at telemarketers, loud cellphone talkers, spammers, and others who impose themselves on us.A celebration of the endless variety of passive aggressive behavior, Life's Little Annoyances will provide comfort and inspiration to everyone who has ever gritted his teeth and dreamed of sweet retribution against the slings and arrows of outrageous people.Home Is Burning: A Memoir
Par Dan Marshall. 2015
An Entertainment Weekly Best Book of the Year, 2015For the Marshalls, laughter is the best medicine. Especially when combined with…
alcohol, pain pills, excessive cursing, sexual escapades, actual medicine, and more alcohol.Meet Dan Marshall. 25, good job, great girlfriend, and living the dream life in sunny Los Angeles without a care in the world. Until his mother calls. And he ignores it, as you usually do when Mom calls. Then she calls again. And again. Dan thought things were going great at home. But it turns out his mom's cancer, which she had battled throughout his childhood with tenacity and a mouth foul enough to make a sailor blush, is back. And to add insult to injury, his loving father has been diagnosed with ALS. Sayonara L.A., Dan is headed home to Salt Lake City, Utah.Never has there been a more reluctant family reunion: His older sister is resentful, having stayed closer to home to bear the brunt of their mother's illness. His younger brother comes to lend a hand, giving up a journalism career and evenings cruising Chicago gay bars. His next younger sister, a sullen teenager, is a rebel with a cause. And his baby sister - through it all - can only think about her beloved dance troop. Dan returns to shouting matches at the dinner table, old flames knocking at the door, and a speech device programmed to help his father communicate that is as crude as the rest of them. But they put their petty differences aside and form Team Terminal, battling their parents' illnesses as best they can, when not otherwise distracted by the chaos that follows them wherever they go. Not even the family cats escape unscathed.As Dan steps into his role as caregiver, wheelchair wrangler, and sibling referee, he watches pieces of his previous life slip away, and comes to realize that the further you stretch the ties that bind, the tighter they hold you together.Stories from a Moron: Real Stories Rejected by Real Magazines
Par Ed Broth. 2004
"Sorry, there's no way we can use this."- Plumpers Magazine"As a word of advice, it always helps for writers to…
be familiar with the publications they submit material to."- Fencers Quarterly MagazineEd writes short stories. He's prolific. And desperate to get published. But he sends his stories to the wrong magazines. As for the magazines? Well, they don't mind telling him so:"Dear Ed: I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry...""Dear Ed: Thank you for your recent submission to Steamboat Magazine; it was wonderful to hear how much our magazine has touched you...""Dear Ed: We do not publish stories about individuals like Conugal Cal, or about underwear-no matter how often references are made to fencing.""Dear Mr. Broth: Thank you for providing the editors with an opportunity to review your manuscript, 'Luau Lester'...""Dear Mr. Broth: Thank you for the opportunity to review your article, 'My Car Ride with Daddy,' for possible publication in Mushing..."With this book, Ed Broth finally sees his work published. His "Stories of Hope & Inspiration" and his "Stories of Meaning & Sacrament" plus his passionate pitches to place his writing in our nation's premier publications-from Pest Control Magazine to Arthritis Today-are all to be found in the book you hold in your hands.Some might have advised Ed not to send his story "I Love Dogs" to I Love Cats Magazine or to stop submitting revised stories to editors who have already turned them down. But, well, that's just not the way Ed's mind works. Studded like a rich cranberry strudel with nuggets of genius -from cartoons and advertisements to actual newspaper articles from across the country - Stories From a Moron is an addictive journey into the mind of a great talent.How to Speak Baseball: An Illustrated Guide to Ballpark Banter
Par James Charlton, Sally Cook. 2014
This handsome guide to the language of baseball decodes the amusing, clever phrases that pepper commentary about the sport. Packed…
with witty explanations of everything from "duster" and "rubber arm" to "up the elevator," this ballpark lexicon plays on a nostalgic love for the national pastime while covering ground from baseball's beginnings to today. This humorous mix of definitions and anecdotes is the perfect gift for both lifelong baseball fans and rookies working up the ranks.No Land's Man
Par Aasif Mandvi. 2014
"It always bothered me that Aasif was more than merely funny-he's also a great actor. Now I've learned he's an…
amazing storyteller as well, and I am furious . . . but also grateful. Aasif's movement between cultures and genres is what makes him and his story singularly funny, poignant, and essential."- John Hodgman, author of The Areas of My Expertise and More Information Than You Require"My father moved our family to the United States because of a word. It was a word whose meaning fascinated him. It was a singularly American word, a fat word, a word that could only be spoken with decadent pride. That word was . . . Brunch! 'The beauty of America,' he would say, 'is they have so much food, that between breakfast and lunch they have to stop and eat again.'" —from "International House of Patel"If you're an Indo-Muslim-British-American actor who has spent more time in bars than mosques over the past few decades, turns out it's a little tough to explain who you are or where you are from. In No Land's Man Aasif Mandvi explores this and other conundrums through stories about his family, ambition, desire, and culture that range from dealing with his brunch-obsessed father, to being a high-school-age Michael Jackson impersonator, to joining a Bible study group in order to seduce a nice Christian girl, to improbably becoming America's favorite Muslim/Indian/Arab/Brown/Doctor correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.This is a book filled with passion, discovery, and humor. Mandvi hilariously and poignantly describes a journey that will resonate with anyone who has had to navigate his or her way in the murky space between lands. Or anyone who really loves brunch.**A New York Times Bestseller!** Based on the wildly popular Instagram account, Subpar Parks features both the greatest hits and…
brand-new content, all celebrating the incredible beauty and variety of America&’s national parks juxtaposed with the clueless and hilarious one-star reviews posted by visitors. Subpar Parks, both on the popular Instagram page and in this humorous, informative, and collectible book, combines two things that seem like they might not work together yet somehow harmonize perfectly: beautiful illustrations and informative, amusing text celebrating each national park paired with the one-star reviews disappointed tourists have left online. Millions of visitors each year enjoy Glacier National Park, but for one visitor, it was simply "Too cold for me!" Another saw the mind-boggling vistas of Bryce Canyon as "Too spiky!" Never mind the person who visited the thermal pools at Yellowstone National Park and left thinking, &“Save yourself some money, boil some water at home.&” Featuring more than 50 percent new material, the book will include more depth and insight into the most popular parks, such as Yosemite, Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon, and Acadia National Parks; anecdotes and tips from rangers; and much more about author Amber Share's personal love and connection to the outdoors. Equal parts humor and love for the national parks and the great outdoors, it's the perfect gift for anyone who loves to spend time outside as well as have a good read (and laugh) once they come indoors.Not Funny: Essays on Life, Comedy, Culture, Et Cetera
Par Jena Friedman. 2023
NATIONAL BESTSELLER &“In fact very funny.&” —Cosmopolitan &“[A] hilarious and much-needed book.&” —Samantha Bee, Emmy Award–winning comedian, author, and host…
of Full Frontal with Samantha Bee For fans of the perceptive comedy of Hannah Gadsby, Lindy West, and Sarah Silverman, Academy Award–nominated and acclaimed stand-up comedian Jena Friedman presents a witty and insightful collection of essays on the cultural flashpoints of today.Growing up, Jena Friedman didn&’t care about being likable. And she never wanted to be a comedian, either. A child of the 90s, she wouldn&’t discover her knack for the funny business until research for her college thesis led her to take an improv class in Chicago. That anthropology paper, written on race, class, and gender in the city&’s comedy scene, was, in Jena&’s own words, &“just as funny as it sounds.&” But it did lay the groundwork for a career that has seen her write and produce for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the Late Show with David Letterman, and the Oscar nominated Borat Subsequent Moviefilm. Friedman&’s debut collection, Not Funny, takes on the third rails of modern life in Jena&’s bold and subversive style, with essays that explore cancel culture, sexism, work, celebrity worship, and…dead baby jokes. In a moment where women&’s rights are being rolled back, fascism is on the rise, and so many of us could use a breather as we struggle to get by, Jena applies her unique gifts to pull a laugh from things deemed too raw, too precious, and too scary to joke about. She shares her stories of taking on those who told her she was too brash, too edgy, and too &“unlikable&” to make it. She deftly dissects how we get coerced into silence on the issues that matter most, until they&’ve gone too far afield to be turned back around again. And she shares her struggles to make it (-ish) in a world that, more often than not, would rather tune out than listen to a woman confronting the indignities we&’ve been told to bear.Not-So-Great Presidents: Commanders in Chief (Epic Fails #3)
Par Erik Slader, Ben Thompson. 2019
From heroic George Washington to the dastardly Richard Nixon, the oval office has been occupied by larger-than-life personalities since 1789.…
The position comes with enormous power and responsibility, and every American president thus far has managed to achieve great things. However, the President of the United States is only human—and oftentimes far from perfect. While some men suffered through only minor mishaps during their time in office, others are famously remembered for leaving behind much bigger messes.In the third installment of the Epic Fails series, authors Erik Slader and Ben Thompson, and artist Tim Foley, take readers on another hilarious ride, exploring the lives, legacies, and failures of some of America’s commanders in chief.The Jokiest Joking Joke Book Ever Written . . . No Joke! is the biggest, funniest, laugh-out-loudest joke book on…
the planet! Crack open this book to have everyone you know in stitches. Be ready for anything with jokes, puns, and riddles from a range of categories: celebrities, gadgets, video games, the classroom, zombies, and a bunch more! Complete with tons of awesome illustrations!- 2,001 unbeatable modern jokes- 400 showstopping illustrations- Have your friends rolling on the ground in no time!- Knock-knock jokes, puns, riddles, one-liners, and more!The hilarious one-liners, wisecracks, and gags will keep the shenanigans going for you, your friends, and anyone with a funny bone. With more than 2,000 kid-friendly side-splitters--from knock-knock jokes, to riddles and puns, to some of the silliest gut-busters ever--this book is more than a gigantic collection of wisecracks, it's a must-have for any jokester!Did you know that the number of atoms in a cookie is about the same number of stars in the…
universe? Geoff Engelstein tackles the big questions of the universe and how it works using the sweet and simple chocolate cookie as guide. By exploring what goes into the cookie—the ingredients and the steps—we learn about how everything works, from the tiny world of subatomic particles to galactic clusters. Topics include: The Big Bang Explained with Chocolate ChipsQuantum Mechanics Explained with Milk and CookiesChaos Explained with VanillaAnd more!Filled with fascinating facts and laugh-out-loud moments, it's a richly visual and deeply fascinating scientific exploration of the world. And cookies.Survival of the Fittest (Survival of the Fittest #1)
Par Rebecca Donnelly. 2024
In this high-interest full-color graphic novel chapter book, embark on an engineering extravaganza and discover all that animals can do…
in a science competition!7 fierce animal competitors2 shark judges1 winnerWho will come out on top?Survival of the Fittest: the game show where animal contestants pitch the latest and greatest in scientific innovation to a panel of shark judges! Animals of all sizes and skills compete to see who can come up with the most useful, most creative, most brilliant design for a product based on something that exists in the natural world. Today's theme is: engineering.Filled with interesting information, awesome visuals, and funny dialogue, this new series by nonfiction maven Rebecca Donnelly is Shark Tank made literal. Swim along - and try not to get chomped by the Chomp! Buzzer.Oculoplastic, Lacrimal and Orbital Surgery: The ESOPRS Textbook: Volume 1
Par Francesco M. Quaranta Leoni, David Harding Verity, Dion Paridaens. 2024
Oculoplastic, Lacrimal and Orbital Surgery: The ESOPRS Textbook informs the reader of recent insights and new developments in the fields…
of ophthalmic plastic, lacrimal and orbital surgery. This textbook is relevant to readers preparing for the EBO-ESOPRS examination, but will also be of interest to residents and fellows in ophthalmology, plastic surgery, dermatology and all specialists with an interest in oculoplastic, lacrimal and orbital surgery. Volume 1 is divided into three sections: the first section includes chapters on functional eyelid disorders, the second section examines rejuvenation of the periorbital region and the third is on lacrimal disorders. For further reading, please see Volume 2 of the textbook, which explores socket surgery, diseases of the orbit and thyroid associated orbitopathy.